Children and Divorce

Children are the innocent victims of divorce.  They become the center of battles over child custody, support, and visitation.  Worst of all, the lines are drawn between the two people they love the most - Mom and Dad.

Divorce affects a child in ways that parents don't always consider.  They face losing the only lifestyle that they've ever known.  In it’s place are week-end visits with Dad, living with a stressed out Mom, and having reduced resources for everything they used to do. You can't change this fact, but you can give your children unconditional love and support to help ease their adjustments.

Because each child reacts differently to divorce, you may sometimes question your abilities as a mother.  This can be especially true if your ex suddenly finds fault with everything you do concerning the kids.  This is usually a power-play, but it can weaken your self-confidence as a parent.  Don't take it personally.  Talking to other mothers can help you regain your bearing, plus give you different ways to deal with the inevitable stress of raising kids. 

Raising children is tough, but divorce adds a whole new set of rules to your job.  Beyond dealing with your their emotions, you will also need to handle all the legalities concerning the them and their well being.  A well thought out parenting plan can help you minimize the trauma that they will face.  Take into consideration the following questions as you prepare your divorce.  What will the custody arrangements be? How often will they visit their father? How much child support will you get, and what happens if your ex-husband doesn’t pay? 

But most importantly, how can you be there emotionally for your kids, to help them accept and adjust to their new life.  When you're at the end of your rope, realize that you are tougher than you think, and ultimately, you and your children will survive.  

©Tracy Achen 2001 

Should I Divorce?

Have you ever wondered "Should I stay married or should I divorce"?  You are not alone.  Troubles in a marriage easily prompt these kind of questions.  The article below will help you sort out your feelings.  

Reality Check

Before moving on with what you need to know about divorce, the next few paragraphs will ask you to look before you leap if you find yourself wanting out of your marriage.  Choosing to divorce might ultimately be your decision, but it should be one made in a state of calm with little doubt and few regrets. 

When someone approaches me and says he or she wants a divorce, my first reaction is to say, "Are you sure?"  Decisions made in haste can take on lives of their own, and before you know it, there may be no turning back to save your marriage.  Deep down we all know when we are at peace with the decisions we've made- big and small.  Sometimes we listen to our gut and sometimes we don't. 

When we make decisions and take action while our doubt mechanism is in full gear, we know we will eventually pay for it.  To avoid this scenario, respect the little voice inside you, if it says "wait."  Your gut instinct is asking you to reevaluate the situation before making your decision.  Before making this significant change in your life take a good look at yourself and your concept of marriage. 

When you're looking at the choice to divorce, forget all about the idea of the romantic fairy tale.  It's time to take a good look at marriage and understand what it really takes to make this type of partnership work.  Depending on how realistic and honest you are when evaluating your situation, when it comes to a divorce, you may find that the grass may not always be greener on the other side.  For a good dose of reality, sit down and write out a pro and con list of staying married vs. the realities of divorce and being single. 

Consider the following: children, your career status and ability to make money, finances, life style changes, cost of divorce, being single again and the threat of sexually transmitted diseases once you're back on the dating circuit. (You may be thinking, "I never want to date again, but trust me, you will.)

Consider the following:

• Have you gone to marriage counseling?
• Have you and your spouse taken the time to talk and isolate the real problems of the marriage? 
• Do you really listen to each other or just nag, complain and tune out? 
• How well do you compromise and try to find time for enjoying quality time together? 
• How productive or destructive are your methods of fighting? 
• Do you kiss and make up without holding grudges? 
• Are you teammates working toward the same goals? 
• Are you both willing to work on your issues together?

Writing out the answers to these questions will help guide you in making an educated, rational decision.  Divorce is difficult, but it might be your best option and worth the temporary discomfort of transitioning into a new life.  The process of honest evaluation will help you experience more peace and have fewer doubts regardless of your decision.

Article by Amy Botwinick, author of "Congratulations on Your Divorce :  The Road To Finding Your Happily Ever After", a book designed to help guide you through the treacherous paths of divorce and into a life of renewed joy.